You Won’t Believe What Threatens U.S. Students Now!

One of the top priorities of any educational institution is the protection of its’ students from harm. We live in an age of terrorist threats, mentally unstable lone wolves and…chicken sandwiches?

According to Pittsburgh’s Duquesne University school newspaper Duquesne Duke, the temenos of our nation’s educational acolytes should not to be profaned by the threat of a Chik-Fil-A, a greater enemy of Leftist tranquility than a Muslim strapped with a suicide vest.

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The Duke writes that at a “March 26 Student Government Association meeting, Senator at Large Niko Martini proposed that the SGA pass a resolution asking the university to reconsider the inclusion of Chick-fil-A as a dining option for students,” because of its horrible civil and human rights record.

Yes, we are all too familiar with the bloody genocide committed by an army of red shirted, minimum wage earners smelling of fried chicken.

In all seriousness though, Martini honestly believes that a CEO’s private personal beliefs that in no way carries over into his business practices, are a threat to the LGBT community on par with Chechen Muslims rounding up homosexuals to the south of Russia.

Lambda President Rachel Coury, in league with Martini, added to the chorus of stupidity.

“I’ve tried very hard within the last semester and a half to promote this safe environment for the LGBTQ+ community,” said Coury. “So I fear that with the Chick-fil-A being in Options that maybe people will feel that safe place is at risk.”

No word as of yet when the university will be erecting the ‘Chik-fil-A Holocaust’ museum.